Well it has been far too long since my last post and boy have things changed. My brother died Dec 10th and my father died 11 days ago. It has been a very long and difficult yet oddly rewarding experience. My focus can now shift from them to me and my goal in trying to get healthy and stay healthy so I do not suffer the fate that my brother and father endured. Their death will certainly not be in vain. I need it to make sense because if it doesn't I feel as if all hope may be lost. Basically, my coping mechanism is too try to give meaning to their lives and deaths. It is necessary for me to learn and recognize that if I don't implement a change and fast that history is bound to repeat itself. I will not suffer the same fate...it is too unfair.
With that being said, I had my "reveal" with the TOGA study and I DID NOT have the procedure. Surprise...not. I am actually glad that I was not chosen to have it at that time because I have researched a lot about the results of the study and I can tell you that mistakes were made and protocols were changed to remedy them...all good. I feel very comfortable moving forward and having the real TOGA because I am ready to commit to this. I have purchased a BODY BUGG and joined Gold's Gym. The BUGG is truly a revolutionary must have item for all people who want to lose weight. I had no idea how many calories a day I needed to burn to lose a pound but now I do. It is very cool to see how active you are or aren't during the day and how your body operates and burns calories.
If anyone is still following my blog...drop me a comment :)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
April 15th, 2009
It has been too long since my last post. My brothers health has taken a turn for the worse and I have been consumed. The next few weeks will be tough. His 41 year old life is on the line. The University of MN is assembling a team of surgical specialists to try and remove a very large tumor that has attached itself to many organs, muscles, nerves and tissues. It was explained to us that it has to come out in one piece or they will not remove it and it will kill him (because if they cut it, it will kill him). The doctors said to think of it like a baby...you wouldn't dissect it. IF they can remove it in one piece, they will have to microwave (cook) part of his liver and maybe remove some nerves that will affect his mobility (leg braces). Right now I haven't given much thought to this study....I know I agreed to participate and will do my best BUT my family will always be more important and take a front seat to everything I do.
One particular thing I have noticed is that I am not eating. I eat about one meal a day...this is strictly due to stress. I found it interesting that when I was having my psych eval, the doctor wanted me to talk about my addiction to food and how I handled stress. It kind of seemed like every thin person in the world is so sure that "fat" people eat all the time and we eat when we are stressed. I know that that just isn't true and I went head to head with the doctor on this issue. She wanted me to admit that I turned to food to cope...I don't. I am overweight because I have spent my life eating what I wanted whenever I wanted. I also ate more than I should have and as the weight crept on over the years, I was too busy to really notice. I mean, I knew but I just pushed it out of my mind. My weight had no obvious impact on my life. I got the jobs I wanted ( I am unemployed by choice...I quit my job in Jan). I have had a man love me for the last 2o years (I am about 100 lbs heavier than when we met) and he still makes me feel desired and beautiful. I have amazing friends and a great family. I just now realize the importance of overall health and am choosing to prevent problems and be as healthy as I can. I owe it to myself and to the people who love me.
Hello and Thanks to my new "followers"...I appreciate your positive words and advice!
One particular thing I have noticed is that I am not eating. I eat about one meal a day...this is strictly due to stress. I found it interesting that when I was having my psych eval, the doctor wanted me to talk about my addiction to food and how I handled stress. It kind of seemed like every thin person in the world is so sure that "fat" people eat all the time and we eat when we are stressed. I know that that just isn't true and I went head to head with the doctor on this issue. She wanted me to admit that I turned to food to cope...I don't. I am overweight because I have spent my life eating what I wanted whenever I wanted. I also ate more than I should have and as the weight crept on over the years, I was too busy to really notice. I mean, I knew but I just pushed it out of my mind. My weight had no obvious impact on my life. I got the jobs I wanted ( I am unemployed by choice...I quit my job in Jan). I have had a man love me for the last 2o years (I am about 100 lbs heavier than when we met) and he still makes me feel desired and beautiful. I have amazing friends and a great family. I just now realize the importance of overall health and am choosing to prevent problems and be as healthy as I can. I owe it to myself and to the people who love me.
Hello and Thanks to my new "followers"...I appreciate your positive words and advice!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Mar 30, 2009
I have become a nomad...I left my brothers house to go to my friends house for a week. They are vacationing in Florida and I am watching the house and pets. Being on the run and away from home for such long periods of time means I have to really prepare and think about what I am eating. I bring my own food where ever I go so that I have no excuses for not sticking to a healthy eating regiment. I am walking Harley (their dog) everyday and my friend gave me her key to their fitness center so I will be trying to get in a daily work out while I am here.
My friend is paying me to do this and I only accept the money because I have been unemployed since Jan 6th so I have decided to strip the wall paper (2 layers!!!) in her kitchen and paint it an amazing shade of red. (this is something she has wanted to do for sometime) I am hoping with the increased activity that I will see the numbers start to move in the right direction. I haven't weighed myself because I haven't been home so I want to wait until my 3 month in 2 weeks to see my progress.
Since all of this has began, I have started becoming far more accountable for everything I eat. Eating things that have nutritional value, making better decisions, cutting back on portions and eating actual servings, drinking lots of water, sleeping 7-8 hours nightly, stepping up my activity, meal planning and logging everything! I feel like everyday I am aware of everything I am eating and before any of this started I just did and ate what I wanted. I thought I was making good decisions but obviously I was not. I have allowed the lbs to creep up on me over the years and never really gave it another thought. I do not want my lifestyle of over indulgence and inactivity to continue. I see first hand how that has such a negative impact on your over all health and your ability to fight off diseases. My father lived his life very much the same way I have lived mine and it has a price. He cannot have a higher does of chemo because his obesity has caused other complications and the doctors feel it would do more harm than good right now. I think that that is too high a price to pay.
My friend is paying me to do this and I only accept the money because I have been unemployed since Jan 6th so I have decided to strip the wall paper (2 layers!!!) in her kitchen and paint it an amazing shade of red. (this is something she has wanted to do for sometime) I am hoping with the increased activity that I will see the numbers start to move in the right direction. I haven't weighed myself because I haven't been home so I want to wait until my 3 month in 2 weeks to see my progress.
Since all of this has began, I have started becoming far more accountable for everything I eat. Eating things that have nutritional value, making better decisions, cutting back on portions and eating actual servings, drinking lots of water, sleeping 7-8 hours nightly, stepping up my activity, meal planning and logging everything! I feel like everyday I am aware of everything I am eating and before any of this started I just did and ate what I wanted. I thought I was making good decisions but obviously I was not. I have allowed the lbs to creep up on me over the years and never really gave it another thought. I do not want my lifestyle of over indulgence and inactivity to continue. I see first hand how that has such a negative impact on your over all health and your ability to fight off diseases. My father lived his life very much the same way I have lived mine and it has a price. He cannot have a higher does of chemo because his obesity has caused other complications and the doctors feel it would do more harm than good right now. I think that that is too high a price to pay.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
March 26, 2009
I have been staying with my brother for the past few days and preparing meals for him and my nephews. The kids are really picky eaters and if given the opportunity would eat junk all day. I am trying to give them balanced meals but it isn't always easy. There is a supply of junk food here...I guess when you have pre-teen boys..chips, Twinkies and cookies are the norm. For myself, I am trying to watch all the snacking that can come so easy with all the temptations around. I have done okay and have noticed that one cookie here and one cookie there is adding a lot to my caloric intake.
The nutritionist finally called me and said that her call was long over due. We talked for a while about my food logging. She said that besides www.thedailyplate.com (soon changing to www.livestrong.com) that I should check out www.fitday.com. She told me that I should be around 1600 calories per day for a 1-2 lb weight loss per week. I said that I was really close to that amount...some days slightly more, other days slightly less. I thought I would see a more marked weight loss by now and she stated that it is typical for the body to "hang on" before it starts to shed lbs because it is confused by the drop in calories. I did tell her that I have cheated several times and consumed certain foods before I was suppose to. I openly admitted to trying to test my body with prohibited foods to see if I could indeed tell whether or not I had the TOGA. She laughed and said that I am not alone and they kind of expected this due to the nature of the study and human behavior. One point she made was to limit my carbs. Of course, I LOVE my bread, rice, pasta etc BUT I should focus more on lean proteins, veggies and fruits.......unprocessed foods. Really haven't we known this along...consume foods as closely to their original state....whole foods, natural. Well, I certainly am trying :) I now have my meals with the carbs and starches in way smaller portions than before and increase veggie serving and actually consume the proper serving for meat. PTS, my meals usually consisted of double meat and carbs (rice/potato/pasta) and small vegetable portions. I live in MN and fresh veggies/fruit are not so readily available due to climate. But spring is right around the corner (I hope...last week it was 70 degrees and yesterday it snowed and dropped below 30) The farmers markets are awesome and home grown tomatoes are one of life's greatest pleasures...I can and do make meals on tomatoes!
Although I no longer consume Diet Coke, I still have my daily dose of OJ. It is 120 calories I factor in and am not ready to give up. I do know that it is very easy to drink a lot of calories through juice and it is one thing I know I did before the study. Now I drink lots and lots of water. I do still drink a glass of OJ everyday but it is one serving rather than 3-4 and I factor in the 120 calories. I am printing up my food logs for the nutritionist to evaluate and make any adjustments or suggestions and am going to met with her at my 3 month check up in 2 weeks.
I am hoping for some good numbers in loss!
The nutritionist finally called me and said that her call was long over due. We talked for a while about my food logging. She said that besides www.thedailyplate.com (soon changing to www.livestrong.com) that I should check out www.fitday.com. She told me that I should be around 1600 calories per day for a 1-2 lb weight loss per week. I said that I was really close to that amount...some days slightly more, other days slightly less. I thought I would see a more marked weight loss by now and she stated that it is typical for the body to "hang on" before it starts to shed lbs because it is confused by the drop in calories. I did tell her that I have cheated several times and consumed certain foods before I was suppose to. I openly admitted to trying to test my body with prohibited foods to see if I could indeed tell whether or not I had the TOGA. She laughed and said that I am not alone and they kind of expected this due to the nature of the study and human behavior. One point she made was to limit my carbs. Of course, I LOVE my bread, rice, pasta etc BUT I should focus more on lean proteins, veggies and fruits.......unprocessed foods. Really haven't we known this along...consume foods as closely to their original state....whole foods, natural. Well, I certainly am trying :) I now have my meals with the carbs and starches in way smaller portions than before and increase veggie serving and actually consume the proper serving for meat. PTS, my meals usually consisted of double meat and carbs (rice/potato/pasta) and small vegetable portions. I live in MN and fresh veggies/fruit are not so readily available due to climate. But spring is right around the corner (I hope...last week it was 70 degrees and yesterday it snowed and dropped below 30) The farmers markets are awesome and home grown tomatoes are one of life's greatest pleasures...I can and do make meals on tomatoes!
Although I no longer consume Diet Coke, I still have my daily dose of OJ. It is 120 calories I factor in and am not ready to give up. I do know that it is very easy to drink a lot of calories through juice and it is one thing I know I did before the study. Now I drink lots and lots of water. I do still drink a glass of OJ everyday but it is one serving rather than 3-4 and I factor in the 120 calories. I am printing up my food logs for the nutritionist to evaluate and make any adjustments or suggestions and am going to met with her at my 3 month check up in 2 weeks.
I am hoping for some good numbers in loss!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
March 22, 2009
Ok...maybe I had the TOGA...I AM SOOOO CONFUSED! In the past few days, I have been experiencing some abnormal feelings in my stomach. There is a sense of pressure that I have never experienced before.
Yesterday was my Dad's big 60th birthday party and the event was catered. I arrived 2 hours early so I could decorate the hall. I grabbed a piece of bread and 2 pieces of cheese on my way out the door (around 11:30). Dinner was served buffet style and I put salad on 1/2 the plate and put turkey, veggies and stuffing on the other half. The plate was not crowded or heavy but I didn't measure my food either. I ate it...no big deal. Around 9 pm (5-6 hours after I ate at the party) we were at my Dad's house dividing up the left overs amongst us kids. We decided to warm up some and have some more to eat. I made up a small plate of turkey, stuffing and veggies and didn't think anything of it. When I got home and went to bed around 11:30, I noticed a tightening in my stomach and felt some pressure. I was excited because I thought that if today was the first time I ate more than I should have then is this the TOGA reacting to eating a full size meal? HMMMM? I just thought that because I had no reaction to eating 4 bites to something that I didn't have it. But what if i did? I really am no longer certain that I didn't have it. I really thought that it would be sooooo easy for me to tell the difference but it isn't.
Yesterday, my father was very late for his party. He went into the hospital in the morning due to some more complications with his brain cancer. His wife was able to work a deal with the docs. They would let him attend on the condition that he was returned to the hospital after his party. Everyone in attendance was so happy to see him when he arrived. There were many tears but lots of joy as well. We were celebrating his life and he is amazing!
Well, I ended up sleeping 12 hours last night. I cannot remember the last time that happened. Today, I went to the hospital and brought Dad some left overs. I ate another plate of left overs but was ale to measure it out. I had 1/4 cup stuffing, 1 cup veggies and 1/4 cup turkey for dinner. Brunch was a piece of bread, a piece of cheese and a sausage link. I split a piece of lemon cake with my Dad as well. As this food was prepared by a caterer, I have no way to calculate the caloric intake BUT, I did step on the scale this morning and I see the number going down. I do not want to get my hopes up BUT I think the scale is slowly creeping in the right direction..... DOWN!
I am having to prepare for sometime away from home right now. I am leaving tomorrow to go and take care of my brother. Yesterday, after attending my Dad's party, my brother who is battling Stage 4 colon cancer and malignant fistula (a rare cancer and complication of colon cancer), was so fatigued that he "fainted" 3 times and injured himself. So I am going to stay with him and watch over him. I will be faced with the challenges of feeding 3 boys...all fussy eaters! Alex (12), Sean (9) and my brother Scott (41). It is difficult to prepare healthy meals that they will agree on. This is probably the hardest part for me.....taking care of every one else and letting my needs fall by the wayside. I MUST make the time for meal planning, measuring and calorie counting.
Yesterday was my Dad's big 60th birthday party and the event was catered. I arrived 2 hours early so I could decorate the hall. I grabbed a piece of bread and 2 pieces of cheese on my way out the door (around 11:30). Dinner was served buffet style and I put salad on 1/2 the plate and put turkey, veggies and stuffing on the other half. The plate was not crowded or heavy but I didn't measure my food either. I ate it...no big deal. Around 9 pm (5-6 hours after I ate at the party) we were at my Dad's house dividing up the left overs amongst us kids. We decided to warm up some and have some more to eat. I made up a small plate of turkey, stuffing and veggies and didn't think anything of it. When I got home and went to bed around 11:30, I noticed a tightening in my stomach and felt some pressure. I was excited because I thought that if today was the first time I ate more than I should have then is this the TOGA reacting to eating a full size meal? HMMMM? I just thought that because I had no reaction to eating 4 bites to something that I didn't have it. But what if i did? I really am no longer certain that I didn't have it. I really thought that it would be sooooo easy for me to tell the difference but it isn't.
Yesterday, my father was very late for his party. He went into the hospital in the morning due to some more complications with his brain cancer. His wife was able to work a deal with the docs. They would let him attend on the condition that he was returned to the hospital after his party. Everyone in attendance was so happy to see him when he arrived. There were many tears but lots of joy as well. We were celebrating his life and he is amazing!
Well, I ended up sleeping 12 hours last night. I cannot remember the last time that happened. Today, I went to the hospital and brought Dad some left overs. I ate another plate of left overs but was ale to measure it out. I had 1/4 cup stuffing, 1 cup veggies and 1/4 cup turkey for dinner. Brunch was a piece of bread, a piece of cheese and a sausage link. I split a piece of lemon cake with my Dad as well. As this food was prepared by a caterer, I have no way to calculate the caloric intake BUT, I did step on the scale this morning and I see the number going down. I do not want to get my hopes up BUT I think the scale is slowly creeping in the right direction..... DOWN!
I am having to prepare for sometime away from home right now. I am leaving tomorrow to go and take care of my brother. Yesterday, after attending my Dad's party, my brother who is battling Stage 4 colon cancer and malignant fistula (a rare cancer and complication of colon cancer), was so fatigued that he "fainted" 3 times and injured himself. So I am going to stay with him and watch over him. I will be faced with the challenges of feeding 3 boys...all fussy eaters! Alex (12), Sean (9) and my brother Scott (41). It is difficult to prepare healthy meals that they will agree on. This is probably the hardest part for me.....taking care of every one else and letting my needs fall by the wayside. I MUST make the time for meal planning, measuring and calorie counting.
Friday, March 20, 2009
March 20, 2009.... Enough with the Negativity!
I do not know who this "redfischblufish" person is but if you are following my blog I will assume that you are a participant in this study. First of all, I am taking this study seriously. If you are on it and can follow all the guide-lines to perfection, kudos to you. Obviously, you were able to follow all the rules set forth in the numerous diets you've tried but somehow didn't achieve the desired results so you ended up here, right? Really, why are you here? If you can follow all the rules, why do you need to be involved? I am participating in this study because after years and years of dieting, I have admitted that I cannot. I am committed whole heartedly to everything at first and then life gets in the way and I have a tendency to let myself and my needs fall to the way side while I take care of everyone else. I realized that I needed to do something and thought this was the way to help me make the changes I needed to in order to be successful. And I have made changes but I am not perfect and I put it out there. What I do not appreciate is people that feel the need to post comments on my blog that are negative and critical. If you lack the intelligence to properly read and interpret what I am saying and you lack the morality of a decent human being, don't post a comment, you and your opinion are insignificant. And if you don't have a blog for others to follow, it just means your a coward and bully who derives pleasure by attacking people because they themselves cannot face the truth.
I created this blog to share my experiences (the good, the bad and the ugly) with people in this study and to SUPPORT them. I also find it cathartic to post my failures and small victories. I am being HONEST.
I strongly believe I am a member of the control group. First of all, I have had my appetite back for about a month and can consume regular portion controlled amounts with no real effects. Secondly, I have spent all of 10 minutes with my doctor since the surgery and he only wanted to know how I felt. I have not had a meeting with a nutritionist or study nurse since my surgery. No one has asked me about my diet or anything. They handed me a booklet in the hospital and sent me home. The nutritionist who met with me in the hospital thought I had gastric bypass and was confused when I explained that I had a TOGA procedure. She didn't know anything about the diet and just proceeded with the gastric by pass diet information. I am going to make an assumption that if I had the procedure, I would be monitored and guided much more closely. As a member of the control group, I am not expected to make the same weight loss goals as the people who actually received the TOGA. I am, however, expected to strive for them. If everyone in the study is successful and we all meet the goals then the study is a failure and will not pass because it fails to show the success of the implementation of the device. I do not suspect that because I ate a piece of toast or some watery oatmeal before I was suppose to that I just compromised the entire study.
I have made HUGE changes in my life and eating habits since becoming involved. I now eat 3 meals a day (before, I rarely ate breakfast), I mostly drink water (prior to the study I consumed about 10 cans of Diet Coke daily), I measure, count and log my food. I am committed to making these permanent life-style changes so that when the 12 months are up I will be better prepared to receive the TOGA.
I created this blog to share my experiences (the good, the bad and the ugly) with people in this study and to SUPPORT them. I also find it cathartic to post my failures and small victories. I am being HONEST.
I strongly believe I am a member of the control group. First of all, I have had my appetite back for about a month and can consume regular portion controlled amounts with no real effects. Secondly, I have spent all of 10 minutes with my doctor since the surgery and he only wanted to know how I felt. I have not had a meeting with a nutritionist or study nurse since my surgery. No one has asked me about my diet or anything. They handed me a booklet in the hospital and sent me home. The nutritionist who met with me in the hospital thought I had gastric bypass and was confused when I explained that I had a TOGA procedure. She didn't know anything about the diet and just proceeded with the gastric by pass diet information. I am going to make an assumption that if I had the procedure, I would be monitored and guided much more closely. As a member of the control group, I am not expected to make the same weight loss goals as the people who actually received the TOGA. I am, however, expected to strive for them. If everyone in the study is successful and we all meet the goals then the study is a failure and will not pass because it fails to show the success of the implementation of the device. I do not suspect that because I ate a piece of toast or some watery oatmeal before I was suppose to that I just compromised the entire study.
I have made HUGE changes in my life and eating habits since becoming involved. I now eat 3 meals a day (before, I rarely ate breakfast), I mostly drink water (prior to the study I consumed about 10 cans of Diet Coke daily), I measure, count and log my food. I am committed to making these permanent life-style changes so that when the 12 months are up I will be better prepared to receive the TOGA.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
1 Month Weigh In....
Today I went in for my 1 month (actually 5 week) weigh in. My results...nothing, zip, zilch, nada!
I neither lost nor gained any weight. Very frustrating but my fault completely. I haven't exercised more than 3 times in 2 weeks and have fallen into some old familiar patterns. Right after surgery (?) I was counting calories and measuring food and logging it everyday. But for the past 2 weeks I haven't been quite as committed. Today was definitely a wake up call to get back on track and really try to make permanent and positive changes.
I was told by the doctor today that IF the study proves to be successful (significant weight loss and little complications) and if I still meet the criteria (?)then I would have the opportunity to receive the procedure IF I was a member of the control. This wasn't really news to me but for the first time it dawned on me that there is a chance that the TOGA could fail as a new method for weight loss surgery. I never really considered that the TOGA may not be approved. I would hate to think that I went through all of this for nothing. After I told the doctor that I was convinced that I did not have the actual surgery he said that I shouldn't be so sure because some people who have had the surgery are positive they have not and some people who have not had the surgery are sure that they have. Is this some kind of psych out? Mind over Matter thing? Perhaps, but I can only go by what I feel and how my body has responded.
So, if every cloud has a silver lining what is the positive in this situation? Weight loss? Eating better? Accountability? Maybe....
I neither lost nor gained any weight. Very frustrating but my fault completely. I haven't exercised more than 3 times in 2 weeks and have fallen into some old familiar patterns. Right after surgery (?) I was counting calories and measuring food and logging it everyday. But for the past 2 weeks I haven't been quite as committed. Today was definitely a wake up call to get back on track and really try to make permanent and positive changes.
I was told by the doctor today that IF the study proves to be successful (significant weight loss and little complications) and if I still meet the criteria (?)then I would have the opportunity to receive the procedure IF I was a member of the control. This wasn't really news to me but for the first time it dawned on me that there is a chance that the TOGA could fail as a new method for weight loss surgery. I never really considered that the TOGA may not be approved. I would hate to think that I went through all of this for nothing. After I told the doctor that I was convinced that I did not have the actual surgery he said that I shouldn't be so sure because some people who have had the surgery are positive they have not and some people who have not had the surgery are sure that they have. Is this some kind of psych out? Mind over Matter thing? Perhaps, but I can only go by what I feel and how my body has responded.
So, if every cloud has a silver lining what is the positive in this situation? Weight loss? Eating better? Accountability? Maybe....
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